dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
