some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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