My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I fill condoms, not promises.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
