I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
