____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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