Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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