I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
