She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
