mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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