god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
