dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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