Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
