ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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