my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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