I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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