Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
