but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
