here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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