you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
