was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
