My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
