i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
