Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
