I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You are the jesus of drinking
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
