phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
try to milk me bitch
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