I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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