I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
