I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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