You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
