we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
