She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
