I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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