I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
