Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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