she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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