the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
