go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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