you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
