She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
