I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
