if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Randomize
