Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
