Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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