I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I party with great urgency now.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
