this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
They have beer where we have blood.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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