Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
