I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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