she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
