Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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