you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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