I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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